


Learning to Live

by llenorion



Series: Second Chances [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Soul mate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 20:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3663699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llenorion/pseuds/llenorion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you live knowing the other half of your soul is dead and buried?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning to Live

_There was moment of relief when the HYDRA agent that had been attacking Bucky went down._  
  
_“I had him on the ropes.” Bucky sounded a bit petulant at having to be the rescued party._

_Steve grinned slightly, before catching movement out of the corner of his eye._

_“Get down!” Steve threw out his arm to protect Bucky from the blast. This time they both went down. Before Steve could react, Bucky had taken his shield and was firing at the HYDRA agent who was attacking. He could only watch in horror as Bucky was suddenly blasted from the train._

_________________________________

Steve startled awake from the dream at a pounding at the front door. The pounding grew increasingly insistent. Shaking the fog of sleep, he cautiously made his way to the front door, grabbing his shield as he went. Who the hell would be pounding on his door at, he glanced at the clock on the far wall, five in the morning? Spotting a shock of red curly hair and black leather through the peephole, he instantly relaxed and opened the door.

“You know ‘Tash, there are better ways to get in touch.”

She ignored him, a slight worried pinch to her eyes. “Maybe, but we don’t have time. We have a mission, high priority. Get dressed and I’ll meet you outside in ten minutes.”

Natasha pivoted and stalked off. Steve stared after her, caught off guard at the abruptness of the interaction. This mission must be something big to get Natasha concerned. Returning to his room to change, Steve glanced over at his bed for a brief moment. He’d been having the same dream almost every night for the past two years since he’d woken from the ice. Sometimes he was able to save Bucky, others he was forced to watch him fall to his death all over again. The worst were the one’s where Bucky accused him of being selfish and blamed him for his death. How none of it would have happened if it weren’t for Steve and his desire to fight and try and prove something.

It may not have been logical, but Steve blamed himself for what happened. For the longest time all Steve had wanted was to be able to stand for something. He had wanted to fight, be a solider, and be respected. More than that, Bucky was leaving for war and he needed to follow him. Steve had needed to be by his side in some way. In the end it didn’t matter. Bucky had still died.

Steve choked back a cry. He needed to be a professional. There was a mission to focus on. With any luck, the mayhem would distract him from the memories. In the few short months following Bucky’s death, before his own crash into the sea, Steve had managed to distract himself from the aching emptiness by getting revenge on Hydra. When he first woke up, he had been lost. No purpose or mission to distract himself from the loss he felt. As if a limb had been severed and continued to bleed out. Joining SHIELD and the Avengers had been a welcome distraction. Steve didn’t always know what he was fighting for anymore, but if he kept fighting he didn’t have to stop and think about what he’d lost. 

For Steve, being under the ice was a blessing in some ways. Everything had stood still, and he had had no real idea of the time that was passing. Underneath that ice, Steve was able to escape the pain. The pain that Bucky… that Bucky was dead. He was dead and Steve must go on without him in this new world. He was unable to drown out the pain in alcohol as a result of the serum, though Tony was always up for trying new experiments.

Humph. He snorted softly. Steve should reconsider letting Tony experiment. The near constant dreams and aching emptiness was too much. The missions only helped until he got home to his empty Brooklyn apartment and remembered all over again. Maybe the alcohol would help.

It had been two years for him. The people around him seemed to think that was plenty of time to mourn, heal, and move on. Part of him wanted nothing more than to forget and move on, but he didn’t know how. For every bad memory, he had one of them joking around, talking to all hours of the morning, or one of a memorable lazy summer day when they were teenagers. Sometimes remembering the good things was more painful than the bad. To know that he could never have it again. Despite that, he would never give Bucky up. His memories were all that were left of him. He just… wished he could dull the pain somehow.

Some believe there is one person out there in the world for you, a soul mate. Natasha would call it naïve and childish, but for Steve Bucky was his soul mate. They had never been romantically involved. Given the social climate of the 40’s they had never had the chance. Regardless, there would never be anyone else for him. One day he might find someone he could share what little he has left to offer, but the idea felt wrong and impossible. For now he needed to live, find purpose in his second chance, however much he wished he’d stayed buried in the ice. The problem was, how do you live knowing the other half of your soul is dead and buried?

Steve fastened his shield to his back. For now he would do what he needed to do to get through the day. He had a mission to do. A distraction. The fight was all he craved anymore. Anything to forget for a moment. If he got killed? At least he would be with Bucky again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So far this is just a one-shot. I'm toying with the idea of doing multiple ficlets in the same storyline over a spread of time or leaving it as is.


End file.
